Sarajevo Cats Against Lagumdzija

by Senad AVDIC

Slobodna Bosna, Sarajevo, Federation Bosnia-Hercegovina, B-H, September 13, 2001

A little known Communist legend has it that Djuro Pucar Stari, at one point the sovereign ruler of this region, was a passionate hunter. He liked everything else comrades Communists liked, but hunting was his true passion. He hunted and killed everything that moved, at any time of night and day, alone or in company of others. But he killed always with passion and blood lust. So, one day comrade Pucar went hunting to Bugojno accompanied by his driver. It was a weekday, but it was all the same for comrade Pucar. Comrade Djuro shot, then shot some more, and finally got tired. He set on a tree stump to smoke a cigarette and asked the driver to light his cigarette. The driver struck one match, it did not light, tried another, then another... The driver emptied the whole box and comrade Djuro still did not light his cigarette. They were in a forest, no living being anywhere nearby (comrade Djuro had killed everything that moved), there was no way to find a match or cigarette lighter. The communist satrap jumped as if struck by lightning, grabbed the empty match box and with a lot of trouble managed to read on its back - made by "Dolac Travnik". "Drive me to Travnik. I'm going to show those lazy bastards." The driver rushed to the car and drove straight to the match factory in Dolac near Travnik. Enraged Djuro Pucar Stari passed next to the guards, workers, secretaries and went straight to the office of the factory manager. "Are you the manager?", howled the leader of the vanguard of the working class. The manager stuttered and stammered and finally admitted his crime. "Well, you're not the manager anymore. You selling bad matches to the people. Get lost and don't let me see you here again." And thus, comrade Djuro Pucar, even in rare moments of relaxation, demonstrated that he kept his sensibility for the most sensitive economic and social issues...

Thirty years later

It still hasn't been discovered whether, among other animals, comrade Djuro Pucar stari also shot cats. But that is not that important after all, and I don't know where I got this question, but I simply don't feel like pressing the delete button, so let it remain as evidence of a drop in concentration and general mental "scatter" of yours truly.

Many years later, much water and blood has flown since those horrendous leaden times, we've got democracy, the rule of law, privatization and restitution. The factory in Dolac is no more, the monument to Djuro Pucar has been removed from its spot in front of the former Central Committee building; there is no command economy, no controlled police and judiciary, no Communists. It's been thirty years since then and everything was forgotten. But we must not forget absolutely everything. There were some good things in those times, especially for those who were in power. If nothing else, they could hunt during work hours.

Less than a month ago, citizen Zlatko Lagumdzija woke up in his spacious apartment in the very center of Sarajevo (that is the dream of every war profiteer - the apartment as big as possible and as close as possible to the city center). While he is still in his apartment, Lagumdzija is more-or-less a private citizen. However, as soon as he crosses his threshold, not even he knows who he is. President of a party, Minister of Foreign Affairs, president of the Bosnian government, a manager, or only a lowly university professor? But that morning Lagumdzija was prevented from crossing his own threshold. One meter from the door, as Police experts later precisely established, there was an insurmountable obstacle - a piece of shit. The same police investigation later established that that was not exactly a piece of shit, but something that policemen usually refer to as excrement. The scene was terrifying. Only a meter from the leader of the Alliance, there was a piece of shit "of irregular shape, consisting of several pieces, one of which was cylindrical with the dimensions of 4 by 2 centimeters". Being unable to deal on his own with this natural catastrophe, with the mean "irregularly cylindrical" dragon, but nevertheless staying calm, Lagumdzija called the police for help. Fortunately, strong police forces arrived to the spot before one could say A(lliance). It is also very fortunate that in the meantime these police forces have become professional and apolitical, because who knows what would have happened under the previous, undemocratic regime and whether Lagumdzija would have been able to deal with this horrendous excretion. Excrement was soon removed, forced to surrender without application of force and "delivered to the laboratory of the Sarajevo Canton Police".

Inspector Has Arrived

That was, however, only the end of the first phase of this unprecedented drama that for a while threatened to end with a tragic "happy end". No, that was only the beginning. Next, it was necessary to establish who was behind this excrement, what dark center, what evil organization. It was necessary to decipher political messages of that small cylindrical demon "4 by 2 centimeters" in size with political wisdom. Well-meaning but nevertheless naīve and insufficiently politically experienced policemen at first concluded that a domestic animal, usually known as a cat, could be responsible for the piece of excrement found in front of Lagumdzija's door. But would anyone with even rudimentary political literacy, anyone knowledgeable about the wide horizons of Lagumdzija's wise policies, believe that? As if Lagumdzija last November defeated in the elections the cat party rather than the infamous nationalist duo HDZ-SDA! Did perhaps Petritsch give to cats the third GSM license for exploitation while Lagumdzija denied them that right? Did Lagumdzija prevent a representative of the cat species from becoming the police commissioner in Sarajevo?! It is well-known who can and who is prepared to take a dump in front of the door of the Minister of Foreign Affairs!

Zlatko Lagumdzija was aware of all that and, determined not to leave anything to chance, he decided to get to the bottom of that "cylindrical irregular" "4 by 2 centimeters in size" object. The Federation Police was recruited (Besic, Limov), the cantonal police as well (Pecanac, Kurtes), municipal prosecutor, courts, lawyers... What cats! Such an investigation could have been conducted by infamous Izetbegovic's policemen, just like when Lagumdzija's father-in-law forgot to close the door of his son-in-law's apartment and corrupt policemen, Alija's servants, cynically concluded that "the father-in-law forgot to close the door of Mr. Lagumdzija's apartment".

Laboratory analysis of the "cylindrical piece of excrement" indicated that the piece of shit was of "animal origin". Why would animals so bestially attack the apartment of leader Lagumdzija, when he is a friend of all good-willing animals, unlike that autocrat Djuro Pucar Stari who exterminated them?

That is why the whole affair will have to move to the court, as Lagumdzija is not willing to simply ignore excrement! Sarajevo Canton police submitted to the municipal prosecutor charges against unidentified person who in the night between August 17 and 18 dropped that "irregular cylindrical" object, "4 by 2 centimeters in size", in front of the door of Zlatko Lagumdzija, the manager of the Alliance, Minister of Foreign Affairs, chair of the Council of Ministers and partner of the international community. True, Lagumdzija still hasn't appointed his prosecutors and judges, so that it is difficult to believe that they are independent, but when he shows up in court, shit will freeze inside them.

P.S. Defeated, undemocratic forces in the Police testify that several days after the grave assault on Lagumdzija in the penthouse of his building the police found three kittens that were later joined by their mother, the most likely culprit in the defecation incident. However, let us all do our jobs. A cat is a cat, shit is excrement, and Lagumdzija is the leader of the Alliance for Changes!

Translated on December 19, 2001