Humble meal at the Bukalin award ceremony in Shilton
Getting Off Konzum
Feral Tribune, Split, Croatia, December 30, 2000
The Ceramic Hall of the Zagreb hotel Shilton hosted this year's winners of Golden Bukalins [chamberpots] for best achievements in various fields of muddy thought among Croats. The award ceremony that marked the end of the Championshit 2000 was honored by the presence of various distinguished individuals from the public life of the Republic of Croatia, and the most popular domestic musicians took care of the good ambiance. The expenses for the humble meal, prepared by the masters from the soup kitchen of Hotel Intercontinental were covered by already overwhelmed Ivica Todoric, this year's winner of the Golden Bukalin for the Shit of the year based on the votes of Feral's readers.
Todoric gave an appropriate speech on behalf of all the recipients of the awards, in which he mentioned high prices, lack of money, poverty, hunger, thirst, life at the verge of poverty, apathy, hunger, poverty, unpaid bills, depression, having trouble making ends meet, small pensions, miserable salaries, hopelessness, apathy, tightening of the belt, looking for food in garbage containers, cut electricity, worn out clothing, darned socks, torn shoes, hungry eyes, begging, social bottom, shaving with dull razors, dry showers, empty plates, morning cups of desperation... When he reached the punch line "what are riches worth in the world where even uranium is depleted!?" the audience could not hold back its tears.
"But we must not lose hope," said Todoric, suddenly all smiles, to the sad audience, "because money is not everything."
He then drew attention of the astounded audience to some positive trends in the Croatian economy, among which he especially emphasized the proposal of the Croatian government to pay state employees with certificates that can be used to buy food in Konzum's shops [owned by Todoric]. He praised organizers of Championshit 2000 who decided to distribute to the recipients of the awards those same certificates worth 100 kunas instead of traditional financial awards.
This saved the ceremony in Shilton from sinking into total depression, the Ceramic hall was filled with light music, and hard working shit-makers gave to the gathered journalists optimistic statements about revitalization of their production capacities in the next year.
SHIT OF THE YEAR 2000
According to the votes of readers
- If my son, daughter weren't working, and if it weren't for my father's pension, I would have a hard time making ends meet.
Ivica Todoric, tycoon, in interview to Vjesnik, November 2000 (614 votes)
- Rise Franjo, Croatian lion, and roar!
Dr. Branimir Luksic at the protest rally "For European Croatia, against the Balkan butcher" held in Split, November 2000 (442 votes)
- I took off my underpants and pissed on the Serb monument. This is Croatia. If I want to piss on any part of Croatia, I will. If Croatia were at stake, I would urinate again.
Biserka Legradic, at the protest of Croat War Veteran Associations in Veljun, May 2000. (178 votes)
Selections of the panel of experts
- Rise Franjo, Croatian lion, and roar!
Dr. Branimir Luksic at the protest rally "For European Croatia, against the Balkan butcher" held in Split, November 2000 (442 votes)
- I took off my underpants and pissed on the Serb monument. This is Croatia. If I want to piss on any part of Croatia, I will. If Croatia were at stake, I would urinate again.
Biserka Legradic, at the protest of Croat War Veteran Associations in Veljun, May 2000. (178 votes)
- Only traitors are not nationalists
Milovan Sibl in Hrvatsko Slovo, October 2000
Golden Chamberpot for the Serb Shit of the Year
I do not see why we should especially apologize to anyone now. There are over one million refugees in Yugoslavia and I would not say, once everything is taken into account, that we were significant culprits in all of that.
Zoran Djindjic in Novi List, November 2000
Golden Bukalin for Tourism
We shall tell foreign tourists who want to come to Croatia that they will have to walk over defenders.
Marinko Liovic, the president of the Association HVIDR-a in Slobodna Dalmacija, May 2000
Golden Bukalin for Law
Even if defenders are breaking the law by calling for an armed uprising [against the government] it is not appropriate to talk about them in the same way as about Milosevic's storm troopers.
Drazen Budisa in Nacional, May 2000
The opposition cannot propose laws, because does not govern and therefore has no power to implement those proposals.
Dr. Zdravko Tomac, in Vjesnik, July 2000
Golden Bukalin for Theology
Our program is as old as the Ten Commandments!
Hrvoje Vojvoda at the HDZ's election rally in Varazdin, July 2000
Jesus messed around so that even his lot did not listen to him too closely. Besides, the Bible gives an erroneous interpretation of Jesus and gives him too much importance. The more Jesus is quoted, the less significant he is, which is not too surprising as he always messed around.
Ivan Milas at the café in the Croatian parliament, quoted in Jutarnji List, May 2000
As a priest, a theologian, I do not care at all whether the Mother of God made an appearance in Medjugorje or not. I personally am moved the most by the fact that the children said: The mother of God speaks Croatian!
Fr. Vjekoslav Lasic in BH Danas, October 2000
Golden Bukalin for Anthropology
Partisans are not a human group.
Darko Gasparovic in Hrvatsko Slovo, January 2000
Golden Bukalin for Race Issues
Black players have better psycho-physical predisposition than white players. But we also have our advantages. For example, our brains work better.
Mirko Kriolo, the fitness coach of basketball club Zrinjevac, in the Croatian TV (HTV) show "Above the rim", February 2000
Golden Bukalin for Geography
If it wasn't for HDZ's policy with respect to central Bosnia, it would not be on the central Adriatic littoral, but in central America, because greater Serbian scorched earth plan is well-known.
Milan Kovac at a Croatian Parliament session, March 2000
Golden Bukalin for Export Trade
Croats are a smart nation. We have enough intelligence, so that we can afford to export some.
Ivan Skaric, the Split mayor, at a celebration of the Statehood Day, May 2000
Golden Bukalin for Sculpture
We should erect a monument to Dr. Franjo Tudman in this county, and make sure that the monument is built so that it cannot be destroyed.
Zdravko Omrcen at a meeting of the County Assembly in Split, June 2000
Golden Bukalin for Foreign Policy
Russians should be given a chance for economic breakthrough to the Adriatic and a corridor to a warm sea. That would be a move which would give a check mate to the US and her dirty intentions with Croatia.
Zoran Vukman in Slobodna Dalmacija, September 2000
There is no reason not to receive Jorg Heider, because he enjoys trust of many Austrians, and that should be respected.
Ivan Skaric, the Split mayor, in Novi List, November 2000
At the Summit, Croatia was given the task to debalkanize the Balkans.
Dr. Zdravko Tomac at a session of the Parliamentary Committee for Foreign Policy, December 2000.
Golden Bukalin for Higher Education
If rumors that diplomas can be bought continue to spread through Croatia, such diplomas will not be valued abroad.
Dr. Branko Jelen, the dean of the Zagreb University, at a press conference, November 2000
Golden Bukalin for Internal Affairs
The way things are going, we shall soon have to look for a Croat state in Herceg-Bosna.
Ivan Jindra in Hrvatsko Slovo, November 2000
Golden Bukalin for Reforms
I believe that in these elections we did not receive a mandate to change the state policy.
Dr. Zdravko Tomac in Nedjeljna Dalmacija, December 2000
Golden Bukalin for Telecommunications
I did not oppose phone tapping; I am one of those who claim that the Croat state did not tap phones enough.
Markica Rebic in Novi List, June 2000
Golden Bukalin for Civic Rights
I do not care for a civic state in which all of us are equal, or, in other words, in which all of us are actually nothing and no one, the way we were in Yugoslavia.
Krunoslav Kico Slabinac in Vecernji List, June 2000
Golden Bukalin for Fascism
Those who did not support NDH are fascists.
Ivan Gabelica at a commemoration over Jazovka ravine, June 2000
Golden Bukalin for Migration Issues
When will Croatia have politicians instead of hirelings, true populist leaders, who, for starters, will expel all the foreigners from Croatia?
Fr. Ante Bakovic in Narod, July 2000
Golden Bukalin for Urbanism
Residents of Mostar are brought together by the old Hajrudin's bridge.
Jozo Barisic in the main HTV news program, September 2000.
Golden Bukalin for Social Care
It is not surprising that 80 percent of Croatian population is convinced that they are poor, if one recalls that people have been told for 10 years continuously that total chaos was at work.
Djuro Njavro at a HDZ press conference, September 2000
Golden Bukalin for Culture and Art
The return of Serbedzija and Bregovic is not "a return of the written off" but the return of cultural genocide of the Croatian culture that had been implemented by Yugoslavia for almost a century.
Anto Djapic in Jutarnji List, September 2000
Golden Bukalin for Muslim Problem
If all Muslims in Croatia were ethnic Croats, there would not be any problems.
Fr. Anto Bakovic in Narod, August 2000
Golden Bukalin for Bosnian Problem
There are three possibilities for the division of Bosnia. The fist one is Croatia all the way to the Drina; it sounds good but is not realistic; the second possibility is a sort of contemporary Croatian Banovina; this solution was advocated by the late president Tudman, but I think it is rather optimistic. There are less painful solutions, such as the third entity, which is today most realistic.
Josko Celan in BH Danas, December 2000
Golden Bukalin for Humanism
I want that the country fall apart as soon as possible and that everyone die. It would be especially fun to watch children singing and dying. I love wars, killing, destruction of buildings, plague, cholera...
Sinisa Vuco in Nomad, October 2000
Golden Bukalin for Democracy
I thought very little about democracy between 1991 and 995. Democracy was a luxury. We had to create a state!
Hrvoje Sarinic in the HTV program "On Sunday at 2", December 2000
Golden Bukalin for Ecumenism
Whose interests is it to have our people, which has believed in Christ for 14 centuries, now learn about Buddha, Hare Krishna and other long ago rejected divinities?
Msgr. Marko Culej, the Bishop of Varazdin, in his sermon in Kamenica, August 2000
Golden Bukalin for Humor
A bitter joke is making circles in Croatia. It says: in the Hague everyone is innocent until it is proven that he is a Croat.
Maja Freundlich in Hrvatsko Slovo, December 2000
Golden Bukalin for Women's Issues
Women are a necessary evil and they are fortunate that we do not have an alternative. Actually, we do... The alternative is to jerk off, screw it, but there is no natural alternative. Consequently we have to train them like wild animals. There is no way to tame them, they can only be trained.
Sinisa Vuco in Nomad, October 2000
Golden Bukalin for Fire
Such a large number of fires only confirms that Split could not host the Firemen Olympics.
Zvonko Biskup, the secretary of the Firemen Association of the Varazdin County, September 2000
Most of the forest that burnt down this summer should have been burnt anyway.
Ivan Kristofic, the vice-president of the Croatian Firemen Association, at the Firemen Olympics in Varazdin, September 2000
Golden Bukalin for Victimhood
For me a rape is not a problem; it makes sense to me that those who provoke should be raped.
Sinisa Vuco in Nomad, October 2000
Golden Bukalin for Security
In the past ten years, even during the war, Croatia was among the most secure countries in Europe and the world.
Drago Krpina in Novi List, September 2000
Golden Bukalin for Technology
INA can produce high quality fuel, but we produce such fuel only for export; in Croatia we sell low quality fuel because that is not illegal.
Dr. Tomislav Dragicevic, the INA board president, in Auto klub, October 2000
Golden Bukalin for Necrophilia
Today, Tudman is not only not forgotten, but is today the liveliest Croatian politician.
Josip Pavicic in Slobodna Dalmacija, September 2000
Golden Bukalin for Journalism
Censorship is necessary above all for the sake of journalists who create newspapers.
Ismet Ico Voljevica, a cartoonist in an interview to Globus, March 2000
The media are creating the atmosphere that the HDZ looted everything. I am perplexed with the current authorities. It should be in their interest to prevent such reporting, because it contributes to Croatia's bad image.
Dr. Ivic Pasalic [former powerful HDZ official] in Vecernji List, November 2000
I personally did not hear about any crimes against Serbs. I believe that those parts of the state authorities that allow that such news dominate our press deserve harshest condemnation.
Dr. Andrija Hebrang in Jutarnji List, April 2000
Golden Bukalin for Hercegovina Problem
I do not see any democratic obstacle that would, for example, prevent Hercegovina from being annexed by Croatia, if she wants that. Just as by its own will, east Germany united with west Germany.
Milovan Sibl in Hrvatsko Slovo, November 2000
Golden Bukalin for Linguistics
When everything is added up, we get an absurd situation that the Croatian language is unsuitable to be used by Croats.
Prof. Dr. Ivo Skaric in Vjesnik, November 2000
Golden Bukalin for Geopolitics
Since the whole Boka Kotorska Bay is geographically a part of the Croatian shore, it as such has a fundamental strategic function on the Adriatic sea. National interests of Montenegro would be best assured if Boka remained within its natural environment in Croatia because Montenegro does not have interests nor can she fulfill the strategic role in the defense of the Croatian shore. It seems to me that that is one of the reasons why Boka Kotorska should be annexed by the new Croatia.
Jozo Masic in Zrcalo, March 2000
Golden Bukalin for Economics
At the time of the creation of the Croatian State, "tycoonization" had a different name. Then that was referred to as the securing the Croatian independence and social peace.
Miroslav Kutle [the most famous Croat "tycoon"] in a press release from the investigative prison in Remetinec, March 2000
I personally never cared about the stories about tycoons, looting etc. When we started the struggle for independence, I used to say: I want to replace Serb thieves by Croat thieves.
Josip Pecaric in Hrvatsko Slovo, November 2000
Golden Bukalin for Semantics
"Do not push weapons into our hands!" No one intelligent could interpret those words as a threat.
Marko Cvitak in Narod, November 2000
Golden Bukalin for Croat Issues
As long as Milosevic rules in Serbia, Croats can be peaceful and confident that there will be no renewal of Yugoslavia of return to the future. Milosevic is now defending us from Djindjic and, as always, from ourselves.
Zoran Vukman in Slobodna Dalmacija, February 2000
Even if it were true that my family hailed from Montenegro, what is wrong with that? Isn't Montenegro Croatia, and aren't Montenegrins Croats?
Anto Djapic [Croat nationalist] at a press conference, August 2000
Golden Bukalin for Marriage
Mrs. Blaskic, do not be sad. All of us are your husbands.
Ante P. Males in Slobodna Dalmacija, April 2000
Golden Bukalin for Hygiene
Once, by chance, passing through a door and shaking hands with an acquaintance, I shook hands with Ivica Racan who was with the acquaintance. No, my right hand did not get dirty because of that handshake, but in vain, I have a feeling that it is dirty and even today wash it more than the left hand.
Ivan Aralica in Vecernji list, May 2000
Golden Bukalin for Serb Problem
The Republic of Croatia must force all Serbs who immigrated between 1918 and 1990, during the occupation of Croatia, to leave.
Ivo Rojnica in an excerpt form a so far unpublished book, published in Hrvatsko Slovo, December 2000
Golden Bukalin for Antifascism
We are witnesses. Partisans claim that they beat fascists, Germans, Ustashe and Chetniks. If that were coming from Milosevic's lair, we could understand, but this is coming from Zagreb!
Ivica Vladava Djovani at a protest rally of war veteran associations in Split, May 2000
Golden Bukalin for European Issues
The fundamental advantage of the Croatian position is in the following: if Europe does not integrate Croatia in its security and economical system, not all countries in Europe will be integrated.
Markica Rebic in interview to BH Danas, October 2000
Goolden Bukalin for Cinematography
Let us be proud of every Serb movie we haven't seen.
Josko Celan in BH Danas, November 2000
Golden Bukalin for Courage
It has almost become a matter of civic courage to say something positive about Dr. Franjo Tudman.
Dr. Ivic Pasalic at a commemorative gathering in Veliko Trgovisce, December 2000
Golden Bukalin for Patriotism
Wherever, all over Europe, a Croat bone is buried or Croat blood was spilled, that is the seed of the Croatian State, as we have it today.
Baltazar Jalsovec, a HSLS representative in the Parliament, in Novi List, May 2000
I read that Jesus believed that a man was more important than a state. One can conclude from that that a state does not have the right to sacrifice anyone for higher goals. That confused me. Actually I found it absolutely shocking. Do we not celebrate martyrs and defenders?
Elza in "Our discussions" in Glas Koncila, may 2000
Golden Bukalin for Architecture
America can screw itself, but it can never have St. Donat church.
Antun Vrdoljak in Novi List, July 2000
Golden Bukalin for Military Science
My four assistants and the chief of HIS, all members of the Croatian Social Liberal Party, will help me to get politics out of the Ministry of Defense.
Jozo Rados, the Minister of Defense, in Jutarnji List, May 2000
Golden Bukalin for Journalism
Vjesnik wants to be a serious, informative pro-government newspaper, which will write about all relevant Government actions, but will at the same time be its fierce critic and corrective.
Zlatko Herljevic, Vjesnik editor-in-chief, in Vjesnik, December 2000
Translated on January 14, 2001
